please

please notice
my scruffy hair
rummaged with shaky hands
please notice
my shaky hands
struggling to hold onto
this stupid orange pencil
as i write these
words
over and over
again

please dont leave me alone
please dont leave me alone
please dont leave me alone
please dont leave me alone
please dont leave me alone

Gone are the days where i would hold my breath in waiting
Over time, all i have known has lain to waste
Overpowering the idea that hope is not gone
Devoured by those who take pride in the blade
Belittled to dust, in the barren wasteland of my mind
You are not at fault, i'm sorry
Every little sensation sends fires through my veins

my loneliness

i wonder if one day
my loneliness will outgrow my body.

i wonder if it will
fly off in a million different directions
bouncing off of all of those
who have already felt
its burn.

i wonder if
those hollow souls
will ever understand
where their bones went.

my bones
ache with the weight
of this dark sadness
that keeps me
awake at night.

it does not like
to be tricked.

my bones are ignited
with shame.

shame has turned me
into a monster.

my brain is
a tangle of
claws and teeth.

all they want
is somebody’s
neck
to hold so dearly.

i dont think
things through enough.

that is why
i trip over words
making my only undertstandable sound
an

"im sorry".

one day
my loneliness will outgrow my body.

maybe then
i will dream.

i will dream something 
other than nightmares.

facade

there it goes///
i watch it fall away
right before my eyes
a mask
i have hidden behind
for too long

suddenly i can breathe again
which begs the question

which is truly
the better choice

my mask hurts me
but all the others see
is a spirit free

that is not me

i am locked inside my mind
like a prisoner
going mad
being punished
for every sin
every crime
that they have committed

so many

so many.

is it possible
to unlock this door?
the despair
haunts me
like ghosts
follow the trail
of blasphemous tears.
right into
the weary hands
of yet another
living deadman...

all i can hear
is my heart
beating fast
i can feel
my blood
coursing through
every narrow vein
my breathing
seems to be
someone else
someone alive

over all of that
all the activity
going on in my mind
all the actions
taking place
those everyday
functions that
seem so insignificant
at any other
point in time

all i can hear
is this beeping
this long tone
that i cant even recognize
as a note
overpowering all
that i can think

it is consciousness

i just want it 
to go away
i want all of this
to stop

beating
at
my
blood

i miss those days
where a crayon
could give you the world

i wish
that was all one needed
to be happy
now

they

i never realized
how much i hated
who i am

who i have been
these past 15 years
all the
"she"'s
and "her"'s
and "young lady"'s

now that i know
[or at the least believe]
this is what i am

those words
burn against my mind
a searing pain
of what i used to be

i am not a girl
[i am not a girl]
i am not a girl

i can remember
when i was like 5
or 6
talking to my dad
in the backyard of
my new house

"i hate being a girl"

"why?" he asked.

"because girls
have to wear dresses
and have babies
and play with barbies"

and my dad smiled
with his kind face
and said
"soft old thing,
it will be ok someday."

when will today
become a someday
when will someday
be the day
that i can be
who i truly
am

some nights

are better than others

this is a bad night

a very bad night

i wish the stars

would come and 

speak to me

dissolve my pain

into dust and ash

just for some

poor druggie to

catch a high on

later

im destined to 

continue falling

this will never end