i feel empty, out of words

like all i was was never heard

you think i wanted this?

choked up, fought, and lied for this?

died a little inside for this?

think again, miss;

this cant be fixed with a kiss

stop believing fairy tales and listen to the real world's wails

they scream

"fighter"

tighter, my grip on reality,

spinning in my mind full of insanity

hear my plea

im tired and i want to hear life without anxiety

dont you see? friend, this isnt about me

this is for all who fight

for one day we'll be free

im realizing now
that it doesnt matter where the fuck i am in the world
that was all just an excuse
i will always be so incredibly alone
and i will always be so incredibly sad

tonight

it must be tonight
you wont save me tonight
the world
is only as round
as the moon
is close
and the positions of the stars
(how unreliable they seem)
make a statement
that i am alone
miles and miles away
from my nearest heartbeat
and unable
to be saved
so say goodbye
to my crooked smile
unkempt hair
and my eyes
that always looked black
carrying 
the weight of my world
tonight
i will not be plagued by insomnia
tonight
i will sleep
for a long time

it seems to me
that what we see
is never what it seems
seeming pointless
points drifting into convex structures
underestimating the sharp
tongues of my mind's eye
i repeated one night
alone in my bathroom
staring at my reflection
quivering, shaking
"it's not their fault"
"it's not their fault"
"it's not their fault"
"it's mine"
my body not seeming human
convulsing like a demon set free
my eyes no longer brown but black
lacking proof that life once lived
underneath this skin
the skeleton with hollow bones
the air flowing through
singing songs in minor
but deaf are the ones who listen
and dead are the ones who heard

a love poem to my vans

my shoes
worn from years
of walking
running
kicking
tripping
looking for places to step
feeling for solid ground
protecting my soul
from falling through my toes
shoelaces
like my friends
knots tied around their necks
tired of fighting the pulse that they hear
coming undone
breaking out into
songs and screams
yelling into the darkness
"you will not control me
i am stronger than  you"
where one day
my shoes
will guide me home

i took a hot bath
to relax
and shed off the days failures
the anxiety
the shame
the headaches
to wash that all away

and ill have you know
that when i put my ears
under the warm water
i heard my heart beat
and it sounded like
an engine
revving and ready
to fight

1 day

one day
is never enough.
twenty four 
hours
one thousand four hundred fourty
minutes
eighty six thousand four hundred
seconds
is never enough time
to say all that i want
to say
to breathe all the air
that i want to breathe
it is never enough time 
because those minutes
go by like they dont exist
those hours
pass my brain every two seconds
flashing the bright numbers
ten colon thirty
when i wake up on a saturday
two colon fourty
when i finally go to sleep
and those dreams
never hold anything
they are like clouds
so appealing
yet everything falls straight through
the next morning
not bothering to get out
of the clothes i slept in
i spend too much time
alone
in bed
staring at the ceiling
wondering
when all this madness will end
one day
it will be my birthday
but it will feel no different
than the day my uncle died
yes that is depressing to hear
im sorry that you have such
a small brain
but that is my point
one day
will be my demise
and i dont know
how one day
will be enough
to hold all that air
one day
it was thanksgiving
and i could not
hold back
the tears of
an anxiety attack
alone
while my "family"
laughed
and smiled
and really thought
family
meant
love
i guess
i shouldnt try
to keep these words in
ive only got
twenty four 
hours
one thousand four hundred fourty
minutes
eighty six thousand four hundred
seconds
to say them