fireworks

ignore my stupid voice, but there's a heart shaped one in the very beginning. i thought it was about time i lightened up this site a tiny little bit before tearing it down again. enjoy.

Fairy Tales

Once upon a time
anxiety
would pass through
my ears
without a backwards glance.
No memories
of shaking
No memories
of trembling hands
and a mute tongue.

Once upon a time
depression
was just a sad word
that I could not relate
to.
That I could not understand.

I never thought
those
"don't kill yourself tonight"
signs
would be for me.

I never thought
suicide
would cross my mind.

I never thought
giving up
would feel
so great

like a wonderful
rush of
"I don't want to
deal with this anymore"
thoughts

washing over me
like the ocean
after a hurricane
knocks little children
onto their heads.

Truth.

I am sad.
I am tired.
I am frustrated.
I am scared.
I am weighed down
By anvils
And rooms
That will be
Boarded up
I am not a fighter
I am a sleeper
Who never gives up
A nap.

Not a Note

i am going to be dead
sometime, as long as my blood is red
i'm just so fed
up with trying and getting out of bed
each morning i wonder why i am not dead

and it's sad
it's mad
it's fucked up, i cant add
to my troubles anymore i'd be so glad
to not be sad

but i cant stand
how bland
how each strand
of life's hair can seem so planned
to knock me down so i can no longer stand.

but don't cry for me
this is what i want, see?
it's crazy and stupid and carefree
and i hate to do this but i'm already out to sea
and i don't want you to cry over me.

they're are all just thoughts
like ink blots
in my head full of knots
where my own mind plots
to kill me with all of these wonderful thoughts.

ER

I am
waiting for the day
when you find me
in the hospital.

Laying there
barely there
my eyes
cold

you’d cry.
i know you’d cry.
what kind of monster
wants to make people cry?

these awful images
running through my head
so fast
I’m so scared.

What will happen
when I can’t
run away anymore?

Lamplight

the word "friend"
is difficult
to find meaning to.
friend
could be
anything
from acquaintance
to my rock.
in the simpler tense
i have friends
loads
of them can fill up
the great lakes
with their smiles
and their waves
and their grins
they are people that
know who i am.
who know i exist.
but there's one person
who stands above the others
when i am gasping for breath
dying to feel my pulse again
and so, so scared
that i am trembling
under the water,
the pressure
of my own pain
she grabs my flailing hand
my shaking fingers
and holds me steady.
she reminds me to stand
in water only 4 foot deep
reminds me that i am 5
she worries for me
constantly
falling back in
and some days i try
to remember how to swim
and she guides me
she picks me back up
and she gives me a hug
just when i need one.
and if friend is all i can come up with,
that is not enough.
this person is more than a friend
more than an acquaintance
even more than my rock
an unexplainable force
that guides me home when i am lost.
she is my lamplight.
my superhero
doubling over with her own pain
while i am still here struggling underneath her
and she still tries
my god she still tries
and i watch in awe as that hand
comes down for me once more
and i know that
i can't leave this world anymore.

Stop Sign

You need to stop thinking.
You feel like that would be the only way to escape
to stop feeling
to stop worrying
to stop reeling
over and over and over
you’re okay, alright?
you’re okay.
You need to stop.
Use your stop sign
use your methods
use your arsenal
so you can get through the day.
so that you, oh you, can live for once
so you can do all these things and
actually breathe on the weekends
actually breathe on the weekdays
use what you’ve got
you’ve got to try
you’ve got to breathe
you’ve got to keep going -
come on.
Please?