Some Days

Some days
I want to die.

And I don't mean to
be alarming,

that is just
a fact.

I'll wake up
to shouts

in my head
yelling at me

"you worthless
idiot. why are you

even trying? why do you
even live?"

and most days
I would listen

but some days
I do

what she tells
me to do

and I challenge it
as to why

I am an idiot,
why I am

worthless
and sometimes

I come up short
and start to breathe again.

It never lasts for long,
but at least sometimes

I can get through
the day without

scaring people -
without

scaring myself.
but then

there are days
where I just

don't want to try
at all

and then the shouts
get louder and louder

and I can't handle the
pain anymore.

and then
there are some days

where I feel empty
and I don't see

the point
but I still want

to feel something
and unfortunately

sadness
is mostly

that something
and I start

to do really stupid
things, like triggering

myself, and doing idiotic
things like that

even when I'm having
a pretty good day

and I don't mean
to, I just want to

feel something
because life is

pointless,
because life

is sometimes
okay, but

that is never enough
for me.

I wonder
why I can't

just function
like the others.

why I can't
be content

with being happy
for once

why i cant
just think

positively
like a lot

of them
tell me to do.

happy
is my

least favorite
word in the

universe. i dont
understand

why I can't just
do the things everyone

else does and be happy,
be chill, be content

with joy.
it hurts,

not belonging
anywhere.

But I'm still here,
aren't I?

That's a good thing,
that's pretty great

that's what they tell me,
anyway.

And I go along
with it, because

I don't want to
hurt them.

I don't want them
to be in pain

like I am.
But it's funny,

because my pain doesn't
seem valid

compared to
everything else

in the world,
all the other situations

I could be in,
yet the most perfect one

is where I struggle
to survive.