that mirrored door

i keep a rope in my closet
for the sole purpose
of tying a noose

it hasnt left that floor
since the days
where i was oblivious to
what was happening to me
when this first began
to not feel right

and it wasnt purposefully
i didnt buy it
for that same reason

i bought it
to tie it 
to the back of my bike
so that i could hold onto it
while gliding across concrete
to surf the asphalt
to feel free

it's still there
and i havent
let those dark chains
around my wrist
let me reach it yet

oh
how many times
i have fantasized
about going through
the motions

but when i think
about actually going
to grab it from
the closet

i freeze
and my heart beats harder
and i stand in place
dark circles surrounding my eyes
my hands clenching into fists
i stare at that mirrored door

and i cant do it
and i sink to the floor
angrily, 
confusedly,
until i finally come to my senses
and go to bed