curse words

i wish someone would ask me
why my school notebooks
are covered in curses.

why the word "fuck"
has been scrawled
over and over
to the point where black ink
overlaps so you cant tell
an "f" from a "u".

so i can lie and say
"no reason, 
just to pass the time."
just like time has been
passing me
so all i see
is blurred colors
that look just like that smeared ink.

truth is
i am so very frustrated
and writing "fuck"
and "god damn it all"
and "i want to die"
on an untouchable
marble notebook
seems healthier
than taking it out
on myself.

on slamming my head
into my desk
every night that i am awake
until 12am
writing essays
and finishing simple
god damn notes
all the while
trying to forget
how much i dont want
to wake up again the next morning

trying to forget
that every day
will always be the same
i will always get left behind
and i will hurt people
and i will hurt myself
in more ways than one.

today is a sunday.
and i should be living
like i am alive
like there is blood
rushing through my veins
that says, "i want to be here!".

i'm sorry sunday.

i'll just go back
to scribbling
curse words.

my bedroom window

everything
i try to write
i feel like i have said 
before
every idea
every word
every description
every door
to another possibility
gone out my bedroom window
along with my thoughts
and stupid memories
everything that goes too fast
everything that leaves me behind
just flies out that window
and im stuck here
im fucking stuck
longing for it to all come back
but damn it
i cant do anything
i can never do anything

i see in memories

in my mind
an outpouring of memories
flashbacks and curses

i see happy children
oblivious to the world surrounding them
swinging, playing with pokemon cards
and forgetting every fault in the world

i see children growing up
spreading out
farther apart
fighting and cheating
forgetting the time
in between them 
when nobody cared
and everyone loved

i see a child afraid
no more confidence
a raging mind
of ideas and creativity
silenced by the force
of society

i see a child alone
with no way
to feel included
again
with no way
to understand
why these things happen
because explanations
have replaced
oblivion

i see an adolescent
struggling to overcome
these blocks in their path
fighting to keep their grip
fighting to make sense
of the world surrounding them
trying to wake up breathing
trying to speak up
that mind
that has always been silenced
trying to find beauty
in pain
trying to find decency
in this savage world
trying to forgive life
for stealing away
their oblivion

@

useless
stupid
selfish
idiot
it's all your fault

things
i have heard
my own parents
my own friends
say to me
that add up
to more
in my head

rks

my life
will never add up
to anything
because whenever
i think im doing well
the rocks
that i have climbed
that built up
underneath me
pull out
from underneath
and i fall
again
and again
and each time
i try to climb
this damn thing
i just fall again
break something else
again
beat myself up
again
and you know what?
it's never going to end
because im too
useless
to fight it

hoods and heat

have you ever
walked along the sidewalk
early
on a very cold morning
walking
hunched over with
hands in pockets, hood over your head
watching the streetlights
that still havent turned off
listening for the hum
in the distance
of cars bustling people
while it is quieter
around you
not so far away
so many people
are awake and alive
and you can still hear crickets
and feel the crunching leaves
beneath your feet
seeing your breath
even though
it doesnt
and it never did
feel right
feel like your own
it seems
like you can feel
every cell in your body
feel your mind
thump against your skull
wanting to get out
even though it knows
that would kill you
those mornings
make me think

that mirrored door

i keep a rope in my closet
for the sole purpose
of tying a noose

it hasnt left that floor
since the days
where i was oblivious to
what was happening to me
when this first began
to not feel right

and it wasnt purposefully
i didnt buy it
for that same reason

i bought it
to tie it 
to the back of my bike
so that i could hold onto it
while gliding across concrete
to surf the asphalt
to feel free

it's still there
and i havent
let those dark chains
around my wrist
let me reach it yet

oh
how many times
i have fantasized
about going through
the motions

but when i think
about actually going
to grab it from
the closet

i freeze
and my heart beats harder
and i stand in place
dark circles surrounding my eyes
my hands clenching into fists
i stare at that mirrored door

and i cant do it
and i sink to the floor
angrily, 
confusedly,
until i finally come to my senses
and go to bed