crickets

in the dead of night
i like to listen for crickets.
just stop everything
even though my head never
shuts up
and listen for crickets.
sometimes
when i do that
i touch my arm
and feel my pulse.
then i get scared
not because i cant find it
but i am imagining
my family
not finding it
so i hide
under a blanket
and listen
for crickets again
because you see
i got off track
i need to keep myself
in line
but what if i
veer off the tracks
so much
that i fall off
this cliff of
existence

goodbye crickets
i loved your sweet sound

bags

my eyes
look like they
are carrying
all my textbooks
on the first week of school

it's hard
to sleep
when your own
head is trying
to kill you

but...

but did you know
my mind is
broken

but did you know
it cant
be fixed

but did you know
it is in so many pieces
nobody could ever recover all of me

but did you know
im
sorry

but did you know
this is
my fault

but did you know
that i never
really tried in the first place

but did you know
recovery never
once appealed to me

but did you know
i'd rather be
dead than alive

but did you know
i'm this much
of a goner

silence makes me think

i might not
be here
to see you
again

i might be
too far gone
i might not
make it

it's all in
my head
and i cant
control it

please
dont cry
or i'll
cry too

i'm slipping
into
these dark
full night waters

and i
will never
come
back.

grafitti face

piano notes & choking throats
seems to be
what i am now

i play a sad song
and try to differ
right from write from wrong

but that's impossible
there's a dictator
inside my brain

blowtorching
ideas & good vibes

two of me inside

my soul is sick.

it does not know

right from wrong anymore

it flips things up

on me

my therapist said

that i'm good at bullying myself

it's not me,

though, it's adolf.

but at the same time

adolf is me.

i hate myself

so much.

i dont know

if it's possible

for someone

to hate themselves

even more

than i do.

to schedule a death

how does one
go about
scheduling their own death?

i cant do it tomorrow,
i wont be alone
and my friend is coming over.

i cant do it the next day
im going on vacation
with my family.

im waiting
for the perfect day
to roll around again.

where all
my things
are in order
and i can die
without peace
i can finally be
without pain
without existence
anymore.

but for now
i will keep
my pocket knife
handy.