curse words

i wish someone would ask me
why my school notebooks
are covered in curses.

why the word "fuck"
has been scrawled
over and over
to the point where black ink
overlaps so you cant tell
an "f" from a "u".

so i can lie and say
"no reason, 
just to pass the time."
just like time has been
passing me
so all i see
is blurred colors
that look just like that smeared ink.

truth is
i am so very frustrated
and writing "fuck"
and "god damn it all"
and "i want to die"
on an untouchable
marble notebook
seems healthier
than taking it out
on myself.

on slamming my head
into my desk
every night that i am awake
until 12am
writing essays
and finishing simple
god damn notes
all the while
trying to forget
how much i dont want
to wake up again the next morning

trying to forget
that every day
will always be the same
i will always get left behind
and i will hurt people
and i will hurt myself
in more ways than one.

today is a sunday.
and i should be living
like i am alive
like there is blood
rushing through my veins
that says, "i want to be here!".

i'm sorry sunday.

i'll just go back
to scribbling
curse words.