1 day

one day
is never enough.
twenty four 
hours
one thousand four hundred fourty
minutes
eighty six thousand four hundred
seconds
is never enough time
to say all that i want
to say
to breathe all the air
that i want to breathe
it is never enough time 
because those minutes
go by like they dont exist
those hours
pass my brain every two seconds
flashing the bright numbers
ten colon thirty
when i wake up on a saturday
two colon fourty
when i finally go to sleep
and those dreams
never hold anything
they are like clouds
so appealing
yet everything falls straight through
the next morning
not bothering to get out
of the clothes i slept in
i spend too much time
alone
in bed
staring at the ceiling
wondering
when all this madness will end
one day
it will be my birthday
but it will feel no different
than the day my uncle died
yes that is depressing to hear
im sorry that you have such
a small brain
but that is my point
one day
will be my demise
and i dont know
how one day
will be enough
to hold all that air
one day
it was thanksgiving
and i could not
hold back
the tears of
an anxiety attack
alone
while my "family"
laughed
and smiled
and really thought
family
meant
love
i guess
i shouldnt try
to keep these words in
ive only got
twenty four 
hours
one thousand four hundred fourty
minutes
eighty six thousand four hundred
seconds
to say them

labyrinth

my mind
is a labyrinth
a maze
and i am running
turning corner
after corner
after corner
and i am panicking now
because i am going in circles
and every dead end that i come to
adds to my fear

fear that it is all my fault
fear that i cant help them
fear that it will be my fault
fear that i shouldnt even try

but i keep running

i dont really know why

but i keep running

trying again and again and again

to find my way out

i dont know if it will happen

a lot of days i lose hope

but some days

i find it

and it leads me closer

but a lot of days

i wonder

if the fire in my brain is just stalling

because it does not want

to go out

.

i am so very scared
that all my friends
will let demons take over
and leave me
all alone

.

and so i sit here
yet another night
struggling to find reasons
to wake up again

inhale

i inhale
so deep
that i feel like
i am swallowing
all the air in the room
so that there is none left
for anyone else
and i hold it
it clatters around my lungs
bouncing off the wall
like the air
has had too much
caffine and
it stays there

and i think

a lot of that dread
rises up to my head

i think a lot of that anxiety
bubbles up deep inside of me

i think the air we breathe
takes my blood under seige

fighting to be let out
through pain and shouts

i guess every time my hands shake like earthquakes
it's really just the fear's double-takes

rolling underneath my skin
yelling "let me out, dont keep me in"

but i never listen, because what would that make me
healthly? what everyone wants me to be?

hold my hand

hold my hand
please dont let go
alone
i know ill drown
alone
i just might
destroy myself
so hold my hand
squeeze it tight
interlace fingers
so i cant let go
myself
i know
you might want to
let go too
i might have to
hold you up too
i will try
i swear to god
i will try
only for you
because somehow
even though i
want to so bad
i havent given up
its because
of you

a night interrupted by consciousness

i sit here
looking at my hands
all that i can
to hold myself together
is to sit alone
and keep myself
from taking my thoughts
my visions and ambitions
turning them into reality
sorry, sorry, sorry
the words barely escape
as my breath shifts
and breaks it

shattering the apology
the part of me
running through all i see
i dont see green
'cause green means life
and life means me
and if i see me
what i see aint clean
its a fuzzy image
of what i used to be

dont believe
what i said before
before the storm
before my words
became swords
stuck in my throat
choking on letters
pretending they're feathers
understanding my problem
my mind is the problem
with nothing to solve 'em
im running towards your wars
and falling through trapdoors
believing all i had to do was try
but trying was only a part of my plan to hide

it's 11 at night
and i dont know what to write
everything seems wrong
i shouldnt be listening to this song
i should be fighting to be strong
but i feel like i am breaking down
like all i was, was never found
like nothing ever changed
and it's true, my face is unfeigned
i sit here and i try to make sense sense of it all
try to understand why i fall
why i desire it at all

to be whole

in july
i decided i didnt like capital letters.
that it was too much work
to make my words
become something they weren't.

professional.
neat.
sane.

like my thoughts
that race through my mind
every day
my words are lower case
holding all that i am
holding onto the idea
that i can become myself again
pull my pieces back into place
start to stitch up my hands
that once pulled me all apart

i have to do this
for everyone who saw me break
for everyone who grabbed my hands
before i shattered
more of myself.

im the only one who can do it

and im the only one who cant

its a struggle
that i dont fight alone

for one day
i will be whole again

prisoner

im a prisoner of my own mind
words and thoughts and bones intertwined
to all of my unfinished attempts that never shined
to all those times my cries drowned out the whines
to every day that i long to find
reasons to stay, parts of me that died

to all the raps i can recite from memory
to all the friends who were never really enemies
to every day ive been blind and cant see
seeing the D's and the C's and the B's
striving to keep my head above this sea
while all that i know falls apart around me

words in winter air

i try to speak
and only air
flows from my mouth
no words
just a cloud of fog
in the freezing
winter air

im not surprised
my scratchy words
wont escape
my throat
the just float
straight up
into my brain
and give me
a headache

they stain my thoughts
turn them black
every cloud
forces lightning
and thunder
no wonder
i cant think straight