how to let go

when i was little
i knew nothing else but
love for my mother.
she would take me bike riding,
hold me close in thunderstorms,
let me fall asleep in her lap every night

but years sooner
as i spread my wings like icarus
too close to the sun
eventually i became
her shoulder to cry on
we held each other up
despite the color
in our veins

when i grew older, and things began to change again,
my heart did not beat the way it
used to
a new rhythm
stormed through that drum
like the thunderstoms
that i hid from
in her comforting grasp
but wave after wave of overwhelming saltwater
all too much to bear

and i turned to my father
who seemed gentler
who seemed gentler
who seemed to understand
without making me feel
like i had made a horrible mistake
and my mother
felt to me like a time bomb
i swear her heart was a countdown
and i was petrified
but she just loved me
she just loved me
she just loved me
and i refused to see it
i refused to try
and its hard to understand now
why i didnt use a walking stick
when i knew that i was blind,
to see what was in front of me
find the bumps that had a purpose
that lead to something greater
and i wonder now
why i can never love them both
at the same time

i used to love my mom
the tables have turned again
i dont hate them
i have only fallen in love with the rain
now thunderstorms bring me solace
like a white flag over a battlefield
she never stopped loving me
he never stopped loving me
my heart holds too much back
like an arrow 
just waiting to let go
i want to be free
but they hold to tightly the string of the bow
holding me back
not ready to let go

and this body
holds impulsive behaviors
holds intrusive engravers
i dont need a tombstone
for a body full of blood

and i want to be forgiven
but this body knows no heaven
and i dont believe in god
but i believe in the eyes of my own, new, love
the hope that she has injected
into my IV
slowly creeping into my veins
as i sleep in this hospital bed of nightmares inside memories
trauma and shaking fingers
but she holds my hand in warm concern
she cares about me
something i have not felt in
too long, since i lost my family's grasp
for better or for worse

but of all the people ive ever met
i hope you dont forget me
your fixer upper
sagging shuttered
home