under control

does "under control" even exist?
billions of people, thoughts shift

this is not a gift;
[this unholy terror]
of misunderstanding
leading many to madness
too many to sadness
spending too much time
trying to create balance
that is already there
but invisible;
[indivisible]
with liberty & justice
for all, but your mind
& how it reaches far beyond
the limits of freedom
stretching, exhausting
tearing apart all that makes you;
[you.]
run with it
stop focusing on "under control"
your control
is already there
you do not need approval;
your mind is a flower -
& do not tell me
that is gay
because gay
has always meant happy
& happy
is something that
[all of us deserve]

believe it or not.

are you ok?
he asks

i want to say no
i never have been
nor will i ever be

i want to say no
because the truth
feels numb on my tongue
burns less than the lies do

i want to say no
because my lies are becoming
far too out of hand
and far out of my mind

im just an idiot
with a mind that races
far too fast
for me to keep up

code

what if life is a video game
that's what it feels like to me sometimes
like a first person shooter
like im experiencing this existence
through someone else's eyes

this life is not mine
day after day, line after line
and no, no, no, i am not fine
if i was, dont you think my hands wouldn't shake out of time?

if there really is
some superflous being
show me a sign
that this life might be mine

let me see into the code
of this strange video game
let me edit the numbers
rewrite this nightmare
i am not the same

volcano

i feel
my lungs
collapse
with every breath
i struggle to
take

do you know
how frustrating
it is
to not have
any idea
what to do
to not know
what you want
to fight yourself
from thinking 
"lies"?

its like
my heart
is a volcano
that wont stop
erupting

making my entire
body
shake and
tremble
forcing out
scathing ideas
and burning my
head
forcing out dumb
lies and 
unknown
foreign strategies

my heart volcano
hurts
everyone
that i love

and i cant stop it

i feel empty, out of words

like all i was was never heard

you think i wanted this?

choked up, fought, and lied for this?

died a little inside for this?

think again, miss;

this cant be fixed with a kiss

stop believing fairy tales and listen to the real world's wails

they scream

"fighter"

tighter, my grip on reality,

spinning in my mind full of insanity

hear my plea

im tired and i want to hear life without anxiety

dont you see? friend, this isnt about me

this is for all who fight

for one day we'll be free

im realizing now
that it doesnt matter where the fuck i am in the world
that was all just an excuse
i will always be so incredibly alone
and i will always be so incredibly sad

tonight

it must be tonight
you wont save me tonight
the world
is only as round
as the moon
is close
and the positions of the stars
(how unreliable they seem)
make a statement
that i am alone
miles and miles away
from my nearest heartbeat
and unable
to be saved
so say goodbye
to my crooked smile
unkempt hair
and my eyes
that always looked black
carrying 
the weight of my world
tonight
i will not be plagued by insomnia
tonight
i will sleep
for a long time