it seems to me
that what we see
is never what it seems
seeming pointless
points drifting into convex structures
underestimating the sharp
tongues of my mind's eye
i repeated one night
alone in my bathroom
staring at my reflection
quivering, shaking
"it's not their fault"
"it's not their fault"
"it's not their fault"
"it's mine"
my body not seeming human
convulsing like a demon set free
my eyes no longer brown but black
lacking proof that life once lived
underneath this skin
the skeleton with hollow bones
the air flowing through
singing songs in minor
but deaf are the ones who listen
and dead are the ones who heard

a love poem to my vans

my shoes
worn from years
of walking
running
kicking
tripping
looking for places to step
feeling for solid ground
protecting my soul
from falling through my toes
shoelaces
like my friends
knots tied around their necks
tired of fighting the pulse that they hear
coming undone
breaking out into
songs and screams
yelling into the darkness
"you will not control me
i am stronger than  you"
where one day
my shoes
will guide me home

i took a hot bath
to relax
and shed off the days failures
the anxiety
the shame
the headaches
to wash that all away

and ill have you know
that when i put my ears
under the warm water
i heard my heart beat
and it sounded like
an engine
revving and ready
to fight

1 day

one day
is never enough.
twenty four 
hours
one thousand four hundred fourty
minutes
eighty six thousand four hundred
seconds
is never enough time
to say all that i want
to say
to breathe all the air
that i want to breathe
it is never enough time 
because those minutes
go by like they dont exist
those hours
pass my brain every two seconds
flashing the bright numbers
ten colon thirty
when i wake up on a saturday
two colon fourty
when i finally go to sleep
and those dreams
never hold anything
they are like clouds
so appealing
yet everything falls straight through
the next morning
not bothering to get out
of the clothes i slept in
i spend too much time
alone
in bed
staring at the ceiling
wondering
when all this madness will end
one day
it will be my birthday
but it will feel no different
than the day my uncle died
yes that is depressing to hear
im sorry that you have such
a small brain
but that is my point
one day
will be my demise
and i dont know
how one day
will be enough
to hold all that air
one day
it was thanksgiving
and i could not
hold back
the tears of
an anxiety attack
alone
while my "family"
laughed
and smiled
and really thought
family
meant
love
i guess
i shouldnt try
to keep these words in
ive only got
twenty four 
hours
one thousand four hundred fourty
minutes
eighty six thousand four hundred
seconds
to say them

labyrinth

my mind
is a labyrinth
a maze
and i am running
turning corner
after corner
after corner
and i am panicking now
because i am going in circles
and every dead end that i come to
adds to my fear

fear that it is all my fault
fear that i cant help them
fear that it will be my fault
fear that i shouldnt even try

but i keep running

i dont really know why

but i keep running

trying again and again and again

to find my way out

i dont know if it will happen

a lot of days i lose hope

but some days

i find it

and it leads me closer

but a lot of days

i wonder

if the fire in my brain is just stalling

because it does not want

to go out

.

i am so very scared
that all my friends
will let demons take over
and leave me
all alone

.

and so i sit here
yet another night
struggling to find reasons
to wake up again