the a-word

you say
i'm not
alone.

but really

i am.

everyone
i talk to
i hang out with
i do stuff with

they're all gone now.

and i'm all on my own
because i'm too
afraid of more
idiocy to
talk to more people.
it's like i can feel
their pity
like waves in my skin
"aw, youre all isolated
let me come stand with you"

people.
people talking to me.
what do i do
to not look like
an idiot.

uhmm,
bounce my legs around
that's cool
wring my hands
yeah that's bangin
stare at the wall
and stutter
when you finally decide
to speak
that's super fucking rad
too.

[note sarcasm.]

i kind of
want to just dive
head-first
over this railing
the one
on the second floor
of the mall
break something
i'm already broken

these ideas
aren't cool
but they wont go away
no matter how hard
i try i just
cant even distract
myself anymore
because i'm all alone
i'm so very
all alone