the slo-mo

y'know
today is really weird.
im empty
i barely woke up this morning
im just...
im sort of completely dead
and very much alive
at the same time.
it's really odd.
i should know myself
i should understand my own head
i should want to live

whenever i think
about taking
my own life

i always
want to have
the chance
that someone
could find me
before it was
too late.

but at the same
time,
i want
to die
far away
from everyone
so nobody
would have to
find me
if i went through
with it.

i dont know.
i never know.
i say that so much
and most of the time
it's true

i wonder if
these thoughts
have overcome
my brain so much
washing over me
like a slo-mo tsunami
that they are
wiping out
memories
of feelings
and emotions
maybe that's why
i dont feel
anymore