hoods and heat

have you ever
walked along the sidewalk
early
on a very cold morning
walking
hunched over with
hands in pockets, hood over your head
watching the streetlights
that still havent turned off
listening for the hum
in the distance
of cars bustling people
while it is quieter
around you
not so far away
so many people
are awake and alive
and you can still hear crickets
and feel the crunching leaves
beneath your feet
seeing your breath
even though
it doesnt
and it never did
feel right
feel like your own
it seems
like you can feel
every cell in your body
feel your mind
thump against your skull
wanting to get out
even though it knows
that would kill you
those mornings
make me think

that mirrored door

i keep a rope in my closet
for the sole purpose
of tying a noose

it hasnt left that floor
since the days
where i was oblivious to
what was happening to me
when this first began
to not feel right

and it wasnt purposefully
i didnt buy it
for that same reason

i bought it
to tie it 
to the back of my bike
so that i could hold onto it
while gliding across concrete
to surf the asphalt
to feel free

it's still there
and i havent
let those dark chains
around my wrist
let me reach it yet

oh
how many times
i have fantasized
about going through
the motions

but when i think
about actually going
to grab it from
the closet

i freeze
and my heart beats harder
and i stand in place
dark circles surrounding my eyes
my hands clenching into fists
i stare at that mirrored door

and i cant do it
and i sink to the floor
angrily, 
confusedly,
until i finally come to my senses
and go to bed

inside my head, not ribcage or flesh

there are rivers
in my head
beside forests
and moss
and little pools
that would be good
for jumping in
and it's always
nighttime
and nighttime
creatures
constantly roam
my head jumping
in those puddles
just like i wouldve
taking away meaning
from falling leaves
and sunless reflections
reflections
of my face
my tired face
that sometimes
it pains me to see
like the feeling
when you're about
to get a needle
and you begin to
panic
and emotions
whoosh over you
until it's over
except this is not
like a doctor's visit
this is like 
getting stabbed
in the arm
or the chest
or the gut
with a rusty old knife
rusty
like that old car
on the edge of the
forest
you swore
you swore
it would drive
it would take us
away from here
you could do it
but look where we are
covering ourselves
with blankets
that barely reach our
shins
in the winter air
freezing
shivering goosebumps
you'll catch a cold
out there
but sickness
doesnt scare me
anymore
because ive felt it
beating through
my veins so many
times
so many times

blind

all that this
has done to me
is made me a liar

turned my smiles
into curses
turned my eyes
into lampshades

and the light
will never turn off
no matter how hard
i try, it wont
go away again

i long for the
dark, this light
is too bright,
blinding me

i am blind
to everything but
sight

a waste of space
spilling out
pointless words
and curses

set my mind
on fire and
let it burn out
so i can feel
my eyes again

the lure

i want
to be gone
i dont really
understand
why pill bottles
taunt me
why rope
sets fires
in my brain
why knives
seem so
friendly
i just 
want to
be gone
and i dont
want to exist
anymore
and i want to end
it even though
my life is great
and i am surrounded
by loving people
why is it still
so hard to
get up in the morning
i want to get it over with
and i truly want
to feel pain again
because i deserve it
i deserve to die
or maybe that's just
an excuse
to be an idiot
and jump in front of a car

thunderstorm

driving home
that night
watching lightning
through rain soaked windows
flashes lighting up
the clouds
turning them from gray to orange
thinking hard
about why i should stay
imagining your face
stained with tears
guilt rising up in my
lungs
i wanted to scream
nothing makes sense
ever
will it make sense
someday?

*

poke at my eyes
but i will never let you blind me
punch at my ears
but i will never go deaf
take my life
and i will never get to repay you